Ponderings & Confessions

I have been going back a fair amount recently and re-reading old posts and stories I have written through the years. Tonight I spent the bulk of my evening reading writings by others, particularly a new-ish friend, and after some time I embarked upon a brief review of some of my own writings. 

I am so often tempted to compare myself to others, and thankful that the Lord has made me aware of this and has given me the grace to bring such thoughts into subjection to His truth. But I found myself wishing that my past was different, that what I shared with the world was different, and that I had been more profound, or more accurately, less superficial. So many of the things which this person had written resonated within me, yet had I ever expressed any of them? Not to the degree I perhaps would have liked. Yet even in this disappointment with myself I was comforted by God's grace. 

Fear of man - Perhaps one of the biggest snares of my life - How and why does this keep me from being the person God created me to be? Even in writing this the thought looms in the back of my mind, "Perhaps [these people] will read this and not be pleased with who I am  inside." I have been timid in really expressing myself freely because of such fears. Yet in reading these writings I was greatly encouraged and blessed by the person's openness and vulnerability - Would people not likewise profit from my own honesty? 

The thoughts swimming through my mind as I digest a full course of their musings and ideas pertain mostly to who I once was in the practice of my faith and who I now am. Don't get me wrong, I have not earned any greater salvation or holiness; rather I speak in regards to how I have become settled in how I relate to Christ within that salvation. Their posts, throughout months and years, resonate with how I feel now. But mine don't. Can I go back and edit life? I want to be represented by who I am rather than who I was...

I have come from one persuasion of the faith and have been carried into another, one which in my prior persuasion was greatly frowned upon and at times outrightly condemned. Yet it is in this latter persuasion that I have found the greatest hope, joy, peace, love and comfort in Christ that I have ever known. I speak of having begun in the Calvary movement and now attending a Reform church. While I would still (and hopefully will always) identify myself with Christ alone (and His word alone) and no particular church movement, I have found the practice of faith of the Reformed group to be much more in line with how I have come to view things. It has been an interesting and slow process, and not one that was ever expected or intended, but it has been awesome and I am truly blessed to be where I am now. I can see the fingerprints of God's sovereignty all over it!

But in going back and reading my past thoughts and blog posts, which were all written with the greatest of sincerity, I find myself somewhat ashamed of what I have written (and by connection, who I have been). There were a few particular years when I ran full force in a particular line of spiritual thought to my almost utter destruction (emotionally and mentally). I was isolated from my friends and family and in truth was probably in a very bad place, though at the time I thought I was on some grand adventure of faith. And the thing that most shames me is that I was sincere about my zeal for Christ through it all, yet horribly ignorant.

It is passages like 1 Corinthians 15:58 ("Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.") and Romans 8:28 ("And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.") which have brought me great comfort. 

I expect that revealing the truth of this matter will probably bring displeasure to some, yet I am finding it disadvantageous to continue to skirt the matter when with non-Reform groups for fear of judgment. I have in the past experienced heart-breaking judgment within the church (whether perceived, actual or a mix of the two only God fully knows), and so I have sought to avoid confrontation and judgment by doing the Mexican Hat Dance around any sort of church or theological conversation. But dancing doesn't ever produce good fellowship or mutual edification!

Most recently I have been utterly blessed by attending a post-college group at a church nearby my own; the church is not Reformed (to my knowledge) but I have found such sweet fellowship and complete lack of judgment there that I only just recently realized that I once feared such things. I had worn my shame for past mistakes like a Scarlet Letter emblazoned across my bosom; somewhere along the lines I forgot to pick it up and put it on and no one seemed to notice. 

One particular person in this group I have recently learned is also of the Reformed persuasion, and I had such an awesome time discussing along with them and the group the various comforts and blessings that come from the assurance of one's salvation and the fear that comes from lack of such assurance. This single conversation was a great encouragement to me to not be ashamed of where the Lord has brought me or of His gospel and His word. 

I am just awestruck as I sit in wonder at the work that God has done and is doing in my life. I could not have written a better story had I had ten thousand years to do so! I no longer feel a need to try to figure out what He is doing - I am just going to sit and praise Him as He does it. I am learning to interweave the Gospel of His glorious grace into any and every circumstance of life, and it is a beautiful thing indeed. I have started keeping a 365 day journal for this new year and am excited to be able to look back when it is past and see in black and white all He has done. 

I realize that some of these thoughts are somewhat disconnected and undirected, but I think the title of my post should hopefully have prepared you for this. ;)  

For now I shall leave you with these thoughts. Until we meet again...