What of Grace?

Paul asked the Galatians (after calling them foolish), "Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?" The question, rhetorical, is meant to be met with a resounding, "No! Of course not, that would be ludicrous."

But we slip into a works-based mindset so easily! It is our de facto modus operandi and it is only through the work of the Spirit that we can rest in His grace. Believing, even subtly, that if we accomplish [this] that God will bless us with [that], we are saying that God's gifts are earned and not given in grace; from a pay raise to a relationship, a healing to an opportunity granted, this works mentality permeates our culture, sub-consciences and our prayers.

But what of grace?
Do we truly, deeply, fully understand God's superabundant, supernatural grace (favor) toward us?

Paul wrote to the Ephesians (vs. 1:17-19 AMP),
"For I always pray to the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, that He may grant you a spirit of wisdom and revelation of insight into mysteries and secrets in the deep and intimate knowledge of Him, By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light, so that you can know and understand the hope to which He has called you, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints His set-apart ones, And so that you can know and understand what is the immeasurable and unlimited and surpassing greatness of His power in and for us who believe, as demonstrated in the working of His mighty strength..."

To believers Paul wrote that he constantly prayed they would understand the mystery and depths of the hope we have in Christ and the knowledge of Him... I think that includes His grace (since "it is by grace [we] have been saved through faith...").

I don't think I've come close to scratching the surface of His immeasurable grace.

I seek to apply it and the Gospel of His grace in all I do, to all my relationships, and to myself daily; and yet fears, doubts and insecurities pop up as if they were part of a cosmic game of whack-a-mole that I can never win this side of eternity! Perhaps He grants us new mercies each morning because each day we realize more and more what miserable wretches we are; we need to reapply the ointment of grace to our parched and withering, sinful souls daily.

I just think... I so often doubt His willingness to bless me. At times I question my purpose or relevant place/ worth in the grand scheme of His plan. I feel as though I am of little consequence, insignificant, and cannot fathom why anyone would set their sights on me. What do I have to offer? Surely there is someone better. (Reminds me of someone... *Gideon*)

And while I think that biblically speaking, from a spiritual standpoint these suppositions are foundationally true, they also scream of ignorance of God's great grace, His redemption, His power and His sovereignty.

It is true There is no reason inherent in me for Him to bless me - Yet He has chosen to, not because of my worth but because of His great love (Eph. 2:4) and His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself (Eph. 1:9). He has hidden me in Christ, has adopted me as His daughter, betrothed me as His bride and declared me justified and righteous in Christ - And has thus promised to bless me (regardless of my natural, sinful state or worth apart from Christ).

It is also true that He doesn't need me/ that I have nothing to offer that He needs. And yet again, He has CHOSEN to use me, include me in His divine plans and accomplish His purposes in and through me as part of His body here on earth. Eph. 2:10 says we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which He prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Paul admonishes the believers in 1 Cor. 12:14-27, reminding them that though all parts of the body vary in purpose, they are all equally necessary and valuable. SO, though I deserve nothing but the fires of damnation, God has given me purpose, gifts, and prepared works for me to do in this life. So in Christ it is not true to say that I, or any other believer, am inconsequential, insignificant, or someone God should pass up for someone better.

The modern movement of human affirmation is a thorn in my eye; in the church it works itself out in common neglect of the concept of total depravity. Yet though they often leave human depravity out of the equation when affirming Christ's love for us (thus minimizing the gospel of grace, in my opinion), they DO excel I suppose in viewing Christ's bride (us) through the lens of His blood and redemption. Shall I neglect His redeeming power and grace to highlight the power of sin? Are not His grace and His power GREATER than all my sin? Surely there is some delicate balance in affirming the truth of both - And this is what I shall seek!

Grace... So easy to identify and yet so impossible to fully grasp! A lifelong quest it shall be for each of us who bear His name......

Did Jonah Have Girl Friends?

Today I was sitting and thinking and realized that sometimes Jonah and I, we have a lot in common!

Not in the most literal sense: I am not running from the direct, prophetic call of God or any clear commandment of His. But sometimes I would like to just RUN and escape my circumstances; like Jonah sitting on top of the mountain watching Ninevah below I find I have the same stinky attitude he had when his miraculous shade plant died: "It would be better for me to have died!" (Me: "I'd rather You just kill me already than deal with this!")

Knowing better than to run, it remains an internalized wish rather than an actualized plan ~ Although I have in the past seriously considered moving to some far off region just to start anew, hoping that whatever I was facing would not follow. But as I once wrote in the lyrics of a song, "Sometimes I just want to run away, to get as far as I'll go... But what is the thing that I'm running from? It follows wherever I go..."

I read a blog post the other day that a friend posted on Facebook; I checked out what other posts the author had written and found one titled, "Singleness Was My Safety Net". Being single this naturally piqued my interest, so I read it. In the blog the author talks about how though she wanted very much so to be married, after having been single for so long she found it more comfortable and "safe" to remain single: In singleness there is no rejection, broken heart, relational pain, etc.

While at first I didn't think I could relate much, after I finished it and mulled it over a bit I realized I had a similar mindset. I have wanted to get married since the day I stopped thinking boys had cooties, and yet after being single for so many years (and after trials I've faced) I'm finding that the reality of any kind of real relationship pretty much just freaks me out! The risks, the commitment, the change involved...!

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Today I read another blog post from a website called The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood (CBMW), "Can Guys and Girls be 'Just Friends?'" The post showed a video of a guy interviewing various girls and guys across a college campus and posited the conclusion that guys and girls cannot, in fact, be "just friends" (meaning absolutely no romantic or physical attraction on either side). I don't think it included acquaintance-type relationships but more so actual, close friendships.

It was an interesting video because all the girls flat out said, "yes" when asked if guys and girls could be "just friends", but all the guys said, "no". At the end (spoiler alert!) they showed the interviewer asking the girls, after they'd said yes, whether they thought that their guy friends had any physical or romantic interest in them. All the girls pretty much said yes, and had to finally conclude that their initial answer was wrong and thus guys and girls cannot be "just friends". 

This is a question that hits home to me. I grew up, non-Christian, believing that males and females were basically the same internally (mentally/emotionally) and only differed in their physical makeup. Most of my friends were guys as a kid, though my 2 "best friends" were girls. I would have argued that yes, guys and girls could indeed be good friends; I had 1 friend after high school that I was really close to that I had zero romantic interest in - Yet I never asked him his part. Others... Looking back (post childhood) I really don't think there was even one with mutual zero interest!

I have learned the hard way over the years that men and women are painfully different in their internal/emotional as well as physical makeup; there seems to be an invisible line that you just shouldn't cross in guy/girl friendships. That line may be different for each individual guy/girl pair, but nonetheless I'm sure it's there. 

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At one point I decided that it would be a good practice to be direct and up-front about any interest I had in a guy. This would beg the question of his interest/ lack-thereof and eliminate that long and drawn-out guessing period. I like intentionality and knowing where I stand.

The first time I tested out this concept it worked out pretty well (answer no, problem solved), so when next I found myself interested in someone I tried it again - Only it didn't work out so well. The first time I was unemotional yet clear, logical and poised, but in the second... I wasn't as careful in my expression (Instead try crazy girl-in-love that makes guys run away screaming confessional!). On top of that, in working through that whole mess I received a nice rebuke that, though somewhat maddening I knew I needed to heed. So I decided that perhaps this methodology was faulty and should be abandoned!

 ❦ ❦ ❦

So how do these things connect? Am I asking if Jonah had girl friends??

Relational matters are the ones that tend to send me running like Jonah. Friend(s) who are interested in more, friend(s) that are not though I was - This after being single for so long is enough to make me say, "Lord, kill me already!" and take the next train out of town.

I'm used to my affections being non-reciprocated like Eponine in Les Miserables (who sang On My Own)... It's almost easier to be rejected, as at least it's the familiar - But to be desired after? That is a strange thing indeed and I scarcely believe it is plausible most days! 

By God's grace I've decided that none of these internal struggles will keep me from doing what is wise or godly; however I sometimes wonder if I should muster up some good pity for the poor fellow who decides to finally pursue me! I trust it will work out in God's timing.

Sigh! Those boats to Tarshish aren't sounding so bad right now... Or flights abroad for work... ;-)

SFO ~ Home Away From Home

I'm sitting on the plane flying yet again to SFO (San Francisco International Airport). I am sandwiched between the window and an empty middle seat on the left side of aisle 6. The woman in the aisle seat and I rebelliously plotted to keep our middle seat empty by not removing our belongings from its surface when the flight attendant so announced; our malicious plot was a success.

I rather enjoy working at SFO; the team there is awesome and I like the openness and newness of the international terminal where the majority of my company's stores reside. I also enjoy the added bonus of being a badged airport employee, getting to pass in and out of secure areas at will and receive treatment more befitting humanoids than a herd of cattle.

There is a lovely but terrible store filled with a bounty of chocolates for sale, aptly named "Indulge"; I must try always to avoid its seductive trappings. In terminal 2 there is a Pinkberry frozen yogurt which I visit after lunch on occasion as well as some other delicious fare, from the Cat Cora Iron Chef diner/lounge to the Napa Farms shop (which sells gluten free cupcakes but is always out by the time I arrive!).

36,000 feet and 220 miles to go. Seatbelt signs off. Peanuts and stampede to the air baño. My complementary water-no ice has arrived.

I see nothing but a sea of clouds outside my window. I used to imagine as a kid that the top of the clouds was like the surface of the ocean, and all that dwelt underneath was an ocean of sorts. I suppose this was a precursor to the now overused Inception jokes, for within my imaginary ocean lay the true ocean.

I like to stay on the Burlingame side of the airport when visiting. In between the Vagabond Inn and Bay Landing Hotel are situated some good eats at El Torito Grill and The Elephant Bar; Benihana is a short walk away. There is also an amazing view of the bay and SFO landing strip as well as a lovely walking path and bridge perfect for photos at sunset and an evening stroll.

This is by far my favourite airport to work at for obvious reasons! Most airports are in boring, industrial areas and the hotels leave you a choice of terrible takeout or fast food with a view of refinery plants, cemeteries or other unattractive scenery.

In a little bit we'll be landing, I'll trek through terminal 1 to the furthest remote reaches of the baggage claim, retrieve my bag, gobble some food and head to work. They don't know I'm on my way, which is always fun... Like a surprise party every visit! ;o)

Seatbelt sign back on and initial descent begun. Engine noise changes and nose points downward. Drink you drinks and throw out your trash; turn off and stow all portable electronic devices.

This has been a brief insight into my business travel adventures; I hope it has brightened your dy. ;o) until later...!

12:00am - Time to Learn!

What better thing could there be to do on a Friday evening at 12:00am than to write a blog post? (Okay, so technically it is 12:00am Saturday morning...)

I have been thinking a bit lately and coming to the realization that I miss school. Primarily I miss learning, but school provides a nice, structured way to engage in learning. Without really having the immediate ability to attend classes, this leaves me with the option of reading. 

Never my favorite pastime, reading provides an economical and practical way to obtain knowledge. There is a plethora of ways to read these days, from eReaders to iPads to laptops to the more old-fashioned books, newspapers and magazines. I can't really argue that I don't have time to read, it's more a matter of being willing. But perhaps my thirst for intellectual growth will at last trump my distaste of sitting placidly on a couch with my stoic gaze moored upon thoughts and ideas carefully (and sometimes not-so-carefully) inked on a page.

Where to start? There is a vast array of topics to learn about, from biology, nutrition and the human body to politics, finances and tax laws. One could dig indefinitely into the of ideologies of the -ologies, becoming so erudite that only the finest intellectual mind could wholly decipher one's utterances; one could perhaps instead choose to gather knowledge of fads and trends like Easter eggs to collect for their colorful basket of pop-culture. 

Pop-culture is not my thing; I have no desire to become loftier than all with whom I desire to communicate. But it would be good stewardship on my part to use the intellect God has blessed me with (no doubt for His good purposes). To not move forward is to go backwards, or at very best become stagnant and irrelevant, right? We must be faithful with the little things, with ALL things He has given us. Surely He has given us no gift or ability for naught.

So, here's to reading and learning...!

Advice for Crazy Women

The Adventures of Boy Crazy Tina

The cartoon above illustrates something that I find particularly humorous as a 30-somethings single gal who regularly attends church. The speech bubbles are a little hard to read, so I will fill you in below:

Panel A) 6:30pm - Tina arrives at a new church group, and a person of the male persuasion greets her.
"Hey, my name is Stan, nice to meet you. Are you new here?"  
Tina replies verbally, "Hi! I'm Tina! It's my first visit, yes!"
But in her head she is thinking, "Oh my gosh, he totally likes me!"

Panel B) 8:15pm - Bible study is over and everyone is standing around chatting. Stan the greeter approaches Tina.
"We all go out to dinner after service, you should totally come!"
Tina replies verbally, "Wow, that sounds totally fun! I'd love to go."
But in her head she is thinking, "It must be true! He totally wants me there! He IS kind of cute! Wow, I'm so excited!"

Panel C) 9:30pm - All at dinner now, Stan takes the lead and says a quick prayer before the food arrives. 
"Lord, we thank You for this time together, and for the food we are about to eat. In Jesus' name, Amen."
Tina thinks to herself, ""OMG... How spiritual! I should really get to know him!"

Panel D) 10:45pm - Dinner is over and everyone is going their separate ways. Stan says goodbye to Tina.
"Thanks again for coming! It was great to meet you! See you next week?"
Tina replies verbally, "It was totally fun! Thanks! Yes, I'll be back next week!"
But in her head she is thinking, "[Swoon!] I think I've found 'The One'!"    

While this comic is somewhat absurd and... comical... I think that this sort of thing probably happens more often than we realize! (And I can speak from personal experience on this!) 

But what can we, as women, do to keep our brains from running off with the wind into some fairy tale wonderland not based in the remotest field of reality? If I knew how to fix the fickleness of the female heart I think I would be far richer (and far wiser!). But certainly God's word will give us some practical wisdom!

1.) Think on what is true. Philippians 4:8 tells us, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

What is true is that--

a) A guy being polite and friendly doesn't indicate he is interested in you. At all. Nope- Not even if he smiles at you. Or approaches you particularly to say hello. Just... No.

b) If a guy is interested in you he will ask you out and be intentional in his pursuit; he is not a girl, he will not drop subtle hints or be sly about it. If you think he likes you but isn't asking you out, you're probably wrong!
c) Hoping for the affections of a guy who doesn't even value you enough to overcome the awkwardness of asking you out is a foolish thing to do - Get over it! Move on! SO not worth it! 

d) If it's an "if", then it's not true! Even if it happens later, it is not, technically speaking, true now. 

e) There are no exceptions. You are not the exception. Get your head out of the clouds!

2.) Take every thought captive! 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Making a thought obedient to Christ means--

a) You're not going to dwell on, stew over, meditate on, ponder, analyze, interpret, guess, wonder, fantasize about, daydream about, or otherwise muse on or contemplate things that are not true - See #1.

b) You are going to mediate on those things which are pleasing to the Lord - See #1.

c) You should read your Bible regularly so that your mind is filled with His truth, and keep in prayer and ask for wisdom to be able to rightly divide truth from error. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

3.) LET. IT. GO. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick," Proverbs 13:12a warns. 

If you sit around hoping and pining over some boy (who has not met point 1b or falls under 1c) then you are just making your own heart sick. You cannot focus, you are probably being really lame to your friends, and most importantly you are inhibiting your own usefulness in service to God because you are so distracted. 

Paul rightly said in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (NIV, emphasis mine), 

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

Our quest and duty as godly single ladies is not to be to hunt down a match (though admittedly we would be happy to find one), but to serve the Lord with the time, resources and freedom He has given us now. I know, you've heard it a thousand times before! I know it probably irks you to hear it again - I know it does me at times. 

But having personally lived out all the craziness I wrote about above, I can safely say that it is by far, FAR superior to be single and NOT falling head over heals for every guy that breathes anywhere near your general presence, able to serve the Lord with singleness of heart and mind.

This is my rant for the evening, ladies! (And to myself, first and foremost!)

If you still need all this drilled into your brain, I recommend watching the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You"... Seriously, go watch it!

Commercialism, Greed and Sushi

Las Vegas. Land of enchantment, enticement and entertainment. City of sin, seduction and secrets. From 'round the globe people of all backgrounds, cultures and races flock here to satiate their desires for feasting, pleasure and a chance at striking it rich. Yet as diverse as its visitors may be, they all share one, fallen nature.

I flew out here Wednesday for a short work trip; Las Vegas (Lost Wages) is never a place I look forward to visiting. Everywhere you look there is something scandalous or sensual thrown in your face. You can't even get into a taxi cab without the seductively smooth voice of the world whispering in your ear via per-recorded advertisements and images.

Perhaps I find this place so offensive because it reminds me of how weak I am, and forces me to stand firm in the strength of God's power. Because it literally bombards people with the things they have struggled with and battled against most. Because like the boisterous woman of Proverbs 5-7 it calls out to the foolish in the streets, and like the great City of Revelation 18 it is famous for selling even the "bodies and souls of men" for gain.

Yet...

Though this is my general take on Las Vegas from a mile high, always once I arrive, "zoom in" and deal with the everyday business of life in this unique city a different portrait begins to fill the canvas. There are details and colors not visible from above.

The people I work with here are terrific. I enjoy spending time with them, talking with and getting to know them. I've heard some of their stories, received their hospitality and have been blessed by their generosity. They are people, just like any other people, and no better or worse for the city in which they live and work and make their lives. Some of them have moved here not for lust or pleasure, but for work, cost of living, or simply were born here and have known nothing else.

Others though have indeed moved out here to "stock the forbidden fruit in their pantries", and are not ashamed but rather glory in the possibilities and potentials of their city's freedoms (Romans 1). Yet perhaps these latter people are more honest than some others. They readily acknowledge their desires and do not hide them behind closed doors. They do not publicly condemn and then secretly practice. Not that such an honesty makes them any less guilty or deserving of judgment in the end, but it is to say to myself that I should not be so quick to condemn based on outward appearances.

Tomorrow is my last day here and will be spent primarily at the airport. And despite the typical grief of heart Las Vegas brings me, I can say I have enjoyed my quick visit because of the love I have been able to show to the people here for Christ's sake. I am sad for my myopic attitude at the beginning of my trip, one that focused on me and not others, but glad that God saw fit to open my understanding and give me a love for lost people, not only here but everywhere.

And for the sake of my title, I will mention that I also enjoyed some good sushi. ;o)

On the Road Again

I'm sitting here sipping (okay, devouring) a Starbucks vanilla spice frappuccino at San Diego Airport. I typically wouldn't order a frappuccino, especially so early in the morning, but they had the samples out and they got to me. Now I am shivering from the cold iciness that's filling my insides.

It's been a couple months since I have flown for work; I've been somewhat local in SoCal since November which has been nice because I've been able to freely attend all kinds of holiday gatherings. But as much as I like being home, a part of me really missed the adventure of travel. (Shhh, I might have to actually admit that I *like* to travel!)

There is something about the independence that provokes me to take responsibility for myself and to act grown up. There is something about going out into the (somewhat) unknown and being (somewhat) spontaneous... I say somewhat as I've been to all these places before. Nevertheless, there's something about being able to regularly visit different areas, states, people, and meeting so many new and random people along the way. Yes, I would definitely miss never traveling again, as much as I disdain packing and living out of a bag (and missing my Tempurpedic mattress!).

So I am happily anticipating this trip. After 4 1/2 years of doing this I have been softened and relieved of my need to have all my ducks in a row and everything planned out. I am sitting outside security, chilling (literally) with my iPad writing a blog, unworried about the broken wheels on and impending death of my rolling briefcase, unconcerned about how I will get from my arrival airport to my destination, and not in any hurry to ensure I am at my gate for my flight that boards in 25 minutes. (Although I can SEE my gate from here so I think I am still a far cry from a Type-B personality... Perhaps I'm just an A- now...!)

Anyway, I just thought I'd take some time to jot down these thoughts. Blogging has a way of lightening the number of Facebook posts I assault my friends with each day, and is a great outlet for the myriads of thoughts running through my mind and my apparently extroverted need to share and talk with others. ;)

Happy Tuesday! Until we meet again...

"Say Goodbye"

It's been a quite long while since I've felt inspired to write a song. For a long time this really bothered me as previously I had written very regularly; I thought perhaps the time had come when this gift had past and that I just had to accept it. Yet every once in a while the leaves of my heart start to rustle, and for a glimmering moment, in a fit of diligence I find the labor to prove successful, even if only in part.

Tonight I was pondering the outcome of a certain situation and then continued further into general thoughts and feelings on the matter of human relationships past, present and future; in the midst of this a song started to form, which I thought I would share here.

"Say Goodbye"

 

What if you should find out what's inside - Would you run away from me?
No, I won't give you the chance to say, say Goodbye to me--
If I turn and hide and don't let you see my pain
I won't have to hear you say Goodbye.

Lord, it seems You've given me a gift to encourage others,
Written love and friendship, bold to give-- But then unravels;
To open up one's heart will bear this risk:
That I'll have to hear you say Good-

Bye-----------
Will you say Goodbye to me? We'll see... 

Always I assume the worst will come from any faith in letting (my heart) go;
Foolish though it may sound, perhaps it keeps my feet on the ground.
Always I wonder if perchance there'll be
A time when I won't have to hear Goodbye... 

(end)

The song basically encompasses the idea that there is great risk in opening up to others and sharing your heart to/for them - There is the risk of them walking away, not liking what they see, and saying "Goodbye". We have at any moment I suppose the choice to turn away and hide ourselves so that we never have to hear "Goodbye", or we can turn and face the risk head on and trust that God will keep us and heal us from any pain that may come from doing so. (I haven't incorporated that idea into the song yet, but I think I shall...)

Daily we must all decide: Will I continue on the path of openness and vulnerability and trust God, or will I turn and run in fear, hoping to protect myself from potential future pain (but in the process limiting present gain)?

I must choose to continue and to put off these silly doubts and fears, of course! Perhaps this is why Philippians 4:8 popped up in my readings today... It is a great reminder not to think on "what ifs" and possibilities, but to remain steadfast in God's truth and His love. No matter what pain may find me in this life, the next life shall be without tears, mourning, sorrow and pain. The old order of things shall have passed away, and all things will have become new. And I can hardly wait until that day!

Ponderings & Confessions

I have been going back a fair amount recently and re-reading old posts and stories I have written through the years. Tonight I spent the bulk of my evening reading writings by others, particularly a new-ish friend, and after some time I embarked upon a brief review of some of my own writings. 

I am so often tempted to compare myself to others, and thankful that the Lord has made me aware of this and has given me the grace to bring such thoughts into subjection to His truth. But I found myself wishing that my past was different, that what I shared with the world was different, and that I had been more profound, or more accurately, less superficial. So many of the things which this person had written resonated within me, yet had I ever expressed any of them? Not to the degree I perhaps would have liked. Yet even in this disappointment with myself I was comforted by God's grace. 

Fear of man - Perhaps one of the biggest snares of my life - How and why does this keep me from being the person God created me to be? Even in writing this the thought looms in the back of my mind, "Perhaps [these people] will read this and not be pleased with who I am  inside." I have been timid in really expressing myself freely because of such fears. Yet in reading these writings I was greatly encouraged and blessed by the person's openness and vulnerability - Would people not likewise profit from my own honesty? 

The thoughts swimming through my mind as I digest a full course of their musings and ideas pertain mostly to who I once was in the practice of my faith and who I now am. Don't get me wrong, I have not earned any greater salvation or holiness; rather I speak in regards to how I have become settled in how I relate to Christ within that salvation. Their posts, throughout months and years, resonate with how I feel now. But mine don't. Can I go back and edit life? I want to be represented by who I am rather than who I was...

I have come from one persuasion of the faith and have been carried into another, one which in my prior persuasion was greatly frowned upon and at times outrightly condemned. Yet it is in this latter persuasion that I have found the greatest hope, joy, peace, love and comfort in Christ that I have ever known. I speak of having begun in the Calvary movement and now attending a Reform church. While I would still (and hopefully will always) identify myself with Christ alone (and His word alone) and no particular church movement, I have found the practice of faith of the Reformed group to be much more in line with how I have come to view things. It has been an interesting and slow process, and not one that was ever expected or intended, but it has been awesome and I am truly blessed to be where I am now. I can see the fingerprints of God's sovereignty all over it!

But in going back and reading my past thoughts and blog posts, which were all written with the greatest of sincerity, I find myself somewhat ashamed of what I have written (and by connection, who I have been). There were a few particular years when I ran full force in a particular line of spiritual thought to my almost utter destruction (emotionally and mentally). I was isolated from my friends and family and in truth was probably in a very bad place, though at the time I thought I was on some grand adventure of faith. And the thing that most shames me is that I was sincere about my zeal for Christ through it all, yet horribly ignorant.

It is passages like 1 Corinthians 15:58 ("Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.") and Romans 8:28 ("And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.") which have brought me great comfort. 

I expect that revealing the truth of this matter will probably bring displeasure to some, yet I am finding it disadvantageous to continue to skirt the matter when with non-Reform groups for fear of judgment. I have in the past experienced heart-breaking judgment within the church (whether perceived, actual or a mix of the two only God fully knows), and so I have sought to avoid confrontation and judgment by doing the Mexican Hat Dance around any sort of church or theological conversation. But dancing doesn't ever produce good fellowship or mutual edification!

Most recently I have been utterly blessed by attending a post-college group at a church nearby my own; the church is not Reformed (to my knowledge) but I have found such sweet fellowship and complete lack of judgment there that I only just recently realized that I once feared such things. I had worn my shame for past mistakes like a Scarlet Letter emblazoned across my bosom; somewhere along the lines I forgot to pick it up and put it on and no one seemed to notice. 

One particular person in this group I have recently learned is also of the Reformed persuasion, and I had such an awesome time discussing along with them and the group the various comforts and blessings that come from the assurance of one's salvation and the fear that comes from lack of such assurance. This single conversation was a great encouragement to me to not be ashamed of where the Lord has brought me or of His gospel and His word. 

I am just awestruck as I sit in wonder at the work that God has done and is doing in my life. I could not have written a better story had I had ten thousand years to do so! I no longer feel a need to try to figure out what He is doing - I am just going to sit and praise Him as He does it. I am learning to interweave the Gospel of His glorious grace into any and every circumstance of life, and it is a beautiful thing indeed. I have started keeping a 365 day journal for this new year and am excited to be able to look back when it is past and see in black and white all He has done. 

I realize that some of these thoughts are somewhat disconnected and undirected, but I think the title of my post should hopefully have prepared you for this. ;)  

For now I shall leave you with these thoughts. Until we meet again...