Life is interesting. The last few years have not turned out at all as expected. And while some things are far above my expectations (my baby!), others are like unwanted side dishes at a mediocre potluck. And sadly, I struggle to be thankful often, choosing rather to complain about things. And I often feel like a failure because I don't read my Bible as often or as deeply as I'd like, and don't pray as often as I should or get involved in church groups like I used to. I feel very detached from the life I once knew. I intended my life to follow me to Michigan, but instead the me I was somehow vanished away like the victims of Thanos at the end of Infinity War.
On one level, life is life and has its normal ups and downs. We have a comfortable house we can afford, we have jobs that pay the bills and keep us first-world-cozy, and we are not ill or in peril or under persecution or harassed in any way. Our daughter is beyond a blessing whom I enjoy greatly, and my husband has recently procured a decent job with potential. But the emotional struggles that ebb and flow through my mind... They take a toll daily.
I look in the pantry at all my baking paraphernalia... And I semi-scold myself for even having such things, but then remember that I used to use them constantly not too long ago - what happened to that person? With each stage of life it seems like we give up pieces of what makes us up, because there isn't time for them. All the things that make me "me" - From music, photography, art, baking, my love of Bible studies, singing at church, viewing nature... One by one they drop as leaves from a tree in the fall. Am I destined to be but barren wood? Relegated to the necessities of going to work, paying bills, keeping a child alive, feeding a family reasonably decent food (as long as it can be prepared and eaten in under 57 minutes), and cleaning up after myself and said family? Who am I - does "me" personally even have a purpose in existing? A maid could just as well exist in my place with the same results, no?
A lot of very life-altering things happened almost simultaneously with our cross-country move. I found out I was pregnant 1 month before we departed (we had already picked, visited, and confirmed our apartment before I found out). We'd been trying for a year without success, so this came as a surprise. Then 4 months after the move, the company I worked for 10.5 years unexpectedly laid off my whole team. Having that job was my way of tempering the shock of the move, as it would allow me to visit home regularly as well as other familiar places after moving somewhere wholly unfamiliar. But that was all gone, along with our comfortable income and flexibility for husband to focus on getting a career in the field we'd moved out here for. Then, not 3 weeks later, I was hospitalized for 8 days with life threatening blood clots in my leg and lungs, at 24 weeks pregnant. I hadn't even gotten my COBRA insurance paperwork from my company yet...
But all this is old news. It happened over 2 years ago. So why am I still fixated on it? Because I still miss home. I still miss my family. I still miss my church. I still miss my friends... I don't understand how to be "me" out here. Is this "me" gone because I moved? Because I lost my job? Because I had a baby? These have unfortunately been inseparably intertwined for me. I had 17 months to establish a "me" in MI before I went back to work and became so utterly busy I could not do anything but survive. And 10 of those were with my new baby, a life-altering season on its own accord. Did I pass the statute of limitations on establishing an identity for myself out here? Am I destined to wander this state, ever longing for the days of yesteryear, fantasizing that life was so much better then and there than it is now? It brings to mind a passage where God says, "Do not say, 'why were the old days better than these?' for you do not inquire wisely concerning such things."
Leaving all you knew behind and coming to a completely new place means there isn't a history with the place and its people to draw upon for comfort and familiarity. And it means feeling alone a lot. Coming with a husband and gaining a daughter means you're never truly alone, but also sometimes means choosing to spend the bulk of your free time with them rather than others, which limits your ability to connect with the new place.
..............
This post has no resolution. There is no snappy slogan to plaster at the bottom that could be used for inspirational artwork. It just is. It's what goes on in my heart and mind at times. Times when I stop and ponder, times when my emotions get the better of me. Times when I'm focusing on my circumstances and not the Lord. Not seeing, or even really stopping to consider, the big picture of what He is doing in my life. When, to my shame, I even resist the notion that there could be a plan and purpose in all this out here. No. It just is. There is no purpose. He has left me and abandoned me to fend for myself. Because that's totally what the Bible says God does - Not! Because I am detached from my old sense of self, there is currently no purpose and no direction and no intention. Totally biblical. *Insert sarcastic eye roll here*
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