Life After Move

Life is interesting. The last few years have not turned out at all as expected. And while some things are far above my expectations (my baby!), others are like unwanted side dishes at a mediocre potluck. And sadly, I struggle to be thankful often, choosing rather to complain about things. And I often feel like a failure because I don't read my Bible as often or as deeply as I'd like, and don't pray as often as I should or get involved in church groups like I used to. I feel very detached from the life I once knew. I intended my life to follow me to Michigan, but instead the me I was somehow vanished away like the victims of Thanos at the end of Infinity War.

On one level, life is life and has its normal ups and downs. We have a comfortable house we can afford, we have jobs that pay the bills and keep us first-world-cozy, and we are not ill or in peril or under persecution or harassed in any way. Our daughter is beyond a blessing whom I enjoy greatly, and my husband has recently procured a decent job with potential. But the emotional struggles that ebb and flow through my mind... They take a toll daily. 

I look in the pantry at all my baking paraphernalia... And I semi-scold myself for even having such things, but then remember that I used to use them constantly not too long ago - what happened to that person? With each stage of life it seems like we give up pieces of what makes us up, because there isn't time for them. All the things that make me "me" - From music, photography, art, baking, my love of Bible studies, singing at church, viewing nature... One by one they drop as leaves from a tree in the fall. Am I destined to be but barren wood? Relegated to the necessities of going to work, paying bills, keeping a child alive, feeding a family reasonably decent food (as long as it can be prepared and eaten in under 57 minutes), and cleaning up after myself and said family? Who am I - does "me" personally even have a purpose in existing? A maid could just as well exist in my place with the same results, no?

A lot of very life-altering things happened almost simultaneously with our cross-country move. I found out I was pregnant 1 month before we departed (we had already picked, visited, and confirmed our apartment before I found out). We'd been trying for a year without success, so this came as a surprise. Then 4 months after the move, the company I worked for 10.5 years unexpectedly laid off my whole team. Having that job was my way of tempering the shock of the move, as it would allow me to visit home regularly as well as other familiar places after moving somewhere wholly unfamiliar. But that was all gone, along with our comfortable income and flexibility for husband to focus on getting a career in the field we'd moved out here for. Then, not 3 weeks later, I was hospitalized for 8 days with life threatening blood clots in my leg and lungs, at 24 weeks pregnant. I hadn't even gotten my COBRA insurance paperwork from my company yet... 

But all this is old news. It happened over 2 years ago. So why am I still fixated on it? Because I still miss home. I still miss my family. I still miss my church. I still miss my friends... I don't understand how to be "me" out here. Is this "me" gone because I moved? Because I lost my job? Because I had a baby? These have unfortunately been inseparably intertwined for me. I had 17 months to establish a "me" in MI before I went back to work and became so utterly busy I could not do anything but survive. And 10 of those were with my new baby, a life-altering season on its own accord. Did I pass the statute of limitations on establishing an identity for myself out here? Am I destined to wander this state, ever longing for the days of yesteryear, fantasizing that life was so much better then and there than it is now? It brings to mind a passage where God says, "Do not say, 'why were the old days better than these?' for you do not inquire wisely concerning such things." 

Leaving all you knew behind and coming to a completely new place means there isn't a history with the place and its people to draw upon for comfort and familiarity. And it means feeling alone a lot. Coming with a husband and gaining a daughter means you're never truly alone, but also sometimes means choosing to spend the bulk of your free time with them rather than others, which limits your ability to connect with the new place. 

..............

This post has no resolution. There is no snappy slogan to plaster at the bottom that could be used for inspirational artwork. It just is. It's what goes on in my heart and mind at times. Times when I stop and ponder, times when my emotions get the better of me. Times when I'm focusing on my circumstances and not the Lord. Not seeing, or even really stopping to consider, the big picture of what He is doing in my life. When, to my shame, I even resist the notion that there could be a plan and purpose in all this out here. No. It just is. There is no purpose. He has left me and abandoned me to fend for myself. Because that's totally what the Bible says God does - Not! Because I am detached from my old sense of self, there is currently no purpose and no direction and no intention. Totally biblical. *Insert sarcastic eye roll here*

Moving & Shaking

At the end of May, my husband of now 3 years graduated seminary with his MA in historical theology (with an emphasis on ancient languages). He also passed with distinction when presenting his thesis earlier that month. (Congrats, hubby!) This officially moved us from the first phase of our married life into the next; it was now time to transition from the world of academia back into the workforce. This time he would be looking for work as a writer/editor at a Christian publisher, or as a Greek/Hebrew/Latin teacher anywhere a PhD was not required - putting his hard earned degree and God-given talents to use.

There are a few things that come with finishing college: relief, wisdom, a proud family, credentials - and student debt. The last one is not the most appealing of the list... And while we had always assumed we'd move wherever he found work, due to the financial outlook we decided it'd be wise to move somewhere with a lower cost of living even for non-field work. This would allow us to pay down loans faster and have more financial freedom.

Where we currently live is affordable, but it is by the grace God's sweet people that we have lived so comfortably, paying only a portion of what the market around us would demand. But we can't stay here forever... I moved in 9 years ago when single, and while it is great, there is not much room for growth. Now married for 3 years and 36 years old, we're ready to leave the nest and live in the adult world, so-to-speak. If we moved anywhere else in San Diego though, our living costs would double... Staying in California would pretty much mean inflexibility with jobs and housing: pay as little as possible and earn as much as possible. But how far were we willing to go for non-field work to save money?

The main two options for us appeared to be the Las Vegas metro area (outside of the Strip, of course), and Grand Rapids, Michigan. Both have similar living expenses. Las Vegas would be a quick and cheap move, not such an investment that we wouldn't be able to move again in a year or two when hubby found ideal work. He lived there a year with his dad when finishing his undergrad before moving to San Diego for seminary - so he has family, friends, and a church back there. It's also within a 5 hr drive back to SoCal, so visiting California family periodically would be easy and cheap. It's hot and deserty, but the low cost of living means you can afford A/C. And it would be temporary until he found work in his field, so the more unfavorable bits of it would be bearable.

Grand Rapids on the other hand... This place is the hub for Christian publishing in the states. There are 5 publishers (a few big, some small), several Christian colleges, and a few other ministries - so there is no shortage of places to apply for field-work. He could take pay-the-bills type jobs until he found preferred work, and when he did we would not have to move again. But, it's so far away and would cost quite a bit to move there, so we'd not be in a position to move again for a few of years. Hubby has family within a few hours drive, but flying would be necessary to visit California relatives (any of my relatives). The weather seems more favorable than Las Vegas, though I am under no delusion that 20" of snow for 3-4 months is fun - but at least hubby is used to snow.

There was one job prospect in Grand Rapids (GR) that seemed promising at first, which was a shipping position at a smaller publisher. He had a positive conversation with them and we were hopeful - but after 2 weeks of waiting we learned they had chosen a local candidate. But GR still seemed to be a wise course of action. Low cost of living (except for high auto insurance rates) and a very low unemployment rate of 3-3.4% made it promising.

Knowing that staying here looking for work will cause savings to dwindle, and that finding non-specialized work in GR while still in CA might be challenging (on top of seeing a very cold and snowy winter approach), we decided that we would pick a time frame and move out there whether hubby had found work yet or not. There are quite a few plans we had already made for September that make the end of the month a better choice (not the least of which is a Red Sox vs. Padres baseball game my husband is eager to see), so we've picked "end of September" as our official move-to-Grand-Rapids date - unless something changes between now and then that would reroute us.

Two months.
That gives us 2 months left in Cali. Two months to plan, two months to pack, two months to visit family and friends... Two months left in my home of 9 years, two months left with my wonderful church family, two months left with my fishies and plants... It will be a bittersweet two months. Excited for the upcoming adventure, but sad to leave my home state with all its comforts and people.

Sigh. So there it is. Wow! I've never lived anywhere but CA - born in L.A. County, raised in Orange County, and the last 11 years in San Diego County... I'm a coastal Cali girl by nature. Cold weather never bothered me though, probably due to my family's midwest roots and German-Irish heritage. I look forward to 45° fall and wearing clothes without sweating.

Traveling for work for the past 8 years has made the country seem very small, and has semi-acclimated me to various kinds of weather environments. It'll be entertaining for my FB friends to watch me deal with the weather changes I'm sure - and I will certainly be thankful for an apartment complex that de-snows the parking lots for us!

Peace out for now! ~D~

Annual Update?

Apparently I tend to update my blog in early Spring every year! Or at least the past 2 years that has been the case. Now, how to write an entry without making it sound like an overdue annual Christmas letter?

Life has been going on and on at its usual pace with its usual turn of events. Some more recognizable changes include my boss of nearly 7 years retiring and my work changing from an audit nature to a risk assessment nature. I've also started my own business with Arbonne, Inc. to build a foundation for a good income once my husband is out of school and we seek to start a family. Both professions are in training mode at this point - I'm at the base of the mountain just preparing to start my climb, as it were.

Of political interest, there is going on in the media right now an unprecedented flurry of hostility over Indiana's recent passing of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. The apparent blindness and hypocrisy over the issue is mind numbingly incomprehensible to me... It gives me a headache. I hope that it calms down soon and people can start to see things through lenses of reason and logic rather than via this insane emotional frenzy...

On a personal front, not much has really changed. I've been happy to be stationary this past month (no work travel), and have been able to partake a bit in some hobbies. This Sunday for Easter service I'll be participating in a vocal ensemble for our service prelude - It's my first time singing in a vocal ensemble with 4 parts (I'm alto). It's a lot of fun and sounds great - I'm excited! Also I was commissioned to draw a picture for my boss' retirement gift, an idea my senior coworker came up with. I don't know if I've ever drawn something that took so much time and effort... It was kind of stressful but once it was done I was happy with the final product and glad we did it.

Well... That's all I've got for now. Until next year, I guess...! ;)
Happy Easter! HE IS RISEN - HE IS RISEN INDEED!!